a three and one third hour call with nic. Not that the number of hours should matter - i just can't stop being obsessed with keeping track of numbers, especially when it's regarding something important to me. i'm grateful for the few people who remind me to look at the world with wonder.

it's great to have a friend who knows my history, where i came from and how different i was in the past. i think you can always try to explain your past to someone, but s/he will never fully understand. Because to her, you are the impression she has of you.

i like how we are from different worlds, yet so similar in our beliefs and struggles. She reminds me of why i am here i am today, and i should really cherish my opportunities here. We've both grown from the young escapist girls who met on the first day of band camp to.. this. Nic, you've really grown and i think you're wonderful even if you don't necessarily think so (and won't actually read this).

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During today's session, I learnt that i'm really too detached from my emotions. For two whole years i've been feeling numb, pushing my thoughts away - because thoughts mean emotions, and emotions mean irrationality, weakness, being dysfunctional, and basically being in the state I was in in the past. I don't want to tell anyone about things because i just know i'll cry, and tears mean I have not grown from my past self. I no longer want to be that pathetic, confused girl.

I now struggle to write posts, and have conditioned myself to push my emotions aside, but tell myself it's alright because I am more rational and functional. Or perhaps not really 'alright', for I have also gotten so used to not thinking that it shows in my work and everyday activites. I feel dead, like a floating soul. Pushing my emotions aside doesn't seem to be working.

She said, "it's not about pushing your emotions aside, it's about learning how to deal with them.". There and then, i realised that the girl who put so much emphasis on emotional maturity and knowing herself had disappeared.

And I really want her back.